I don't do public entries. I feel it's too much of an invasion of privacy if people I don't even know are reading about what's happening in my life. But for some reason I feel like this should be public, though I'm not sure why. It'll read pathtic, sound emo, whatever. But that's okay because I think I am all that plus some. I am not making this public and posting it on Twitter and Facebook for attention, that's the last thing I want. But what I do want is for people to know the truth. I'm working on something called admitting the unflinching truth; say what you need to say, non-defensively and matter-of-factly, so I feel like that's what I'm doing here.
I'm in a bad place. I've been here for a very long time, and though I do know a great deal of how I got here, I don't know how I got in so deep. I've burned a lot of bridges, pushed a lot of people away. I set myself up to fail and expect it everyday, and everynight I sit here wondering why I'm not living the life I want. Sounds stupid, right? There are so many people that I want to reach out to, that I want to rebuild a relationship with but I'm afraid. I've already tried with a few and was blown off, so to try again is scary. I know there are a few people in particular that will be there for me no matter what, no matter how much I screw up the relationship. And I take that for granted. I don't want to, but I know I do. To those few people who are still with me after all these years, I love you. And I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean much after the crap I've put you through, but from the bottom of my heart I mean it.
There's very, very little in life that I enjoy anymore. One of them was every Wednesday night spending a couple hours with a fantastic group of people at a Comedy Improv class. I loved every bit of it. But the past few weeks it's started to feel more like a chore than something I should enjoy, so I quit before I had the chance to resent it. I plan to go back, maybe once I have my head on a little bit straighter.
Most of the time now I feel I've fallen so far that there's no way back up. I've been in therapy for two years, and I do believe for a while I was making progress and actually getting somewhere. There was one month last year that I did a lot of things very out of my comfort zone and was really, really proud of myself and thought that the progress would continue. It didn't. Then I went to visit a friend just before Christmas, had the best two weeks I've had in
years. It's when I came home from that trip that I think things really hit the fan. I fell hard, and I fell fast. I saw the contrast between my friend's life, her family and my life, my family. Realized all over again how badly I wanted that. Somewhere in there even had what some would call a crisis of faith? Who knows. But since that trip nothing's been the same. I'd started some pretty bad self-destructive behavior - some old, some new. There are days where I don't want to interract with anyone, and days where I literally
don't interract with anyone. There are even days, more recently, where I've felt almost like I don't want to get better at all; there's no point. But somewhere in the back of my mind I know better, because I keep trying.
Not sure there's anything else to say at this point, I think I've said it all. If we've had some kind of relationship in the past, I want that again. But I might need some help getting the courage to reach out to you. If you want the same, I promise to try my hardest not to push you away, because right now I need all the help I can get... no matter how much I may seem to refuse it.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
